Warning: Possible spoilers for “Game of Thrones” ahead.
“Game of Thrones” fans right now are about as frantic as Tyrion when he runs out of wine. The hit show based on George R.R. Martin’s book series returns to air on July 16, and really, would it kill the premium cable network to drop just a little bit of plot news?
Well ha ha ha boo hoo hoo. The network released two-sentence summaries and episode titles for the first three shows of season seven — which honestly sounds like a juicier scoop than it is.
Imagine being the HBO content editor who has to craft and release these little rundowns. Give away too much, and you’ll have every fan in Westeros re-tweeting and dissecting your spoilers — plus your boss will end up treating you like Ramsay Bolton treated Theon.
So you drop a few character names, but fall back on those vaguebooking skills we’ve all honed so well on Facebook. Let’s take the summaries one by one.
Episode #61: “Dragonstone”
Jon (Kit Harington) organizes the defense of the North. Cersei (Lena Headey) tries to even the odds. Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) comes home.
- The Jon summary is the equvalent of “In this episode, the castaways try to get off the island but Gilligan messes it up.” Jon is always organizing the defense of the North. Probably while wearing this shirt.
- Cersei tries to even the odds. Well, blowing up a bunch of her enemies probably helped in that math equation. Though this probably means that Euron Greyjoy is signing on with Cersei in a well-thought-out alliance. They each bring something to this team. Euron’s a pro at ripping people’s tongues out, and Cersei has a giant undead torturer at her command. Win-win!
- “Daenerys comes home” is already leaked in the episode title, and in the that shows her ripping down House Baratheon banners in Dragonstone, the ancestral seat of House Targaryen.
Episode #62: “Stormborn”
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) receives an unexpected visitor. Jon (Kit Harington) faces a revolt. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) plans the conquest of Westeros.
- Really wish it was — but here’s betting it’s Jon “Know Nothing” Snow.
- Speaking of Jon Snow … he seems to face revolts about as often as Tyrion drops a wisecrack. But with creepy Littlefinger lurking around in the , this should come as no surprise.
- BEST. LINE. OF THE SUMMARIES. A Lannister always spays his pets — er, pays his debts — and Tyrion’s got a whole accountbook full of them just awaiting payment.
Episode #63: “The Queen’s Justice”
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) holds court. Cersei (Lena Headey) returns a gift. Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) learns from his mistakes.
- Dany has “held court” before, but this time, she’s unlikely to be working out labor contracts in Meereen. We’d like to see her taking down Cersei with this mysterious line, but it’s likely way too early for that.
- Never give Cersei anything. A compliment, a goblet of wine, just don’t even give her your hand to shake. The “gift” that seems likely here is Cersei taking revenge on the Sand Snakes for the murder of her daughter Myrcella, whose death has never been avenged.
- Ha, here is where the HBO summary writer decided to pull one over on us. As a man who had not one, not two, but three children with his own murderous twin sister, Jaime has pretty much proven that he will never learn from his mistakes.
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